Words Less Spoken
Inspiration & insights along the path toward happiness & wisdom
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My Yoga Practice
How to deal with friendships you’ve outgrown:
My reply to a question I received:
First, I would say that different people come and go in our lives at different times, some stay for a while but others are only in our lives for a short time. It doesn’t make any of those relationships less valuable in teaching us, supporting us, or shaping us. We have to be prepared to let them go when the time comes, and that doesn’t diminish their significance in our lives.
There are other people who you may not have the option of leaving behind at this point. They may be too close to you. That’s ok. You don’t have to agree with everyone on everything to be friends with them. Friendship doesn’t mean an endorsement of poor decisions on their part. It’s an exercise in love and compassion.
When dealing with difficult people, cultivating compassion for them can go a long way in helping you to relate to them differently and in a healthier way. Try to see them as people who also suffer and struggle in many ways. Practice lovingkindness meditation for them and watch how your relationship to them improves.
Blessings
Hello there! :) I've recently discovered Tumblr and your blog here - it's brilliant, you help people a lot. I feel glad for witnessing such generosity. I have also been living through body, mind and spirit for eighteen years of my life. As much as I can say, it is a real spectacle, of course. Since I'm approaching to the crossroad of my life, it would be very nice, I think, if you could share your perspectives on concentration and discipline. I truly need it. Thank you.
Anonymous
Thanks.
Concentration is the art of paying attention. What we nurture with attention and time grows and flourishes, whether wholesome or unwholesome, so we must choose wisely how we use our attention. I would caution that concentration is a means to an end and not an end in itself. Every discipline requires a measure of concentration to practice it, but concentration is not the end goal of any discipline. It just gets the wheels moving, greases the gears, and keeps correcting the course.
I think that is related to discipline. I’ve come to find that discipline is not so much forcing yourself into a particular mode of doing some activity, but instead it is learning to say no to all the other things that simply waste your time and deplete your energy. By withdrawing, abstaining, or letting go of some things, we discover that we are able to say ‘yes’ to so many others. Discipline is learning with time and patience which to say ‘no’ to and not feeling bad about it.
I have become very skilled at being able to forgive and not hold hostility in my heart. However, do you have any advice on how to avoid regressing back to a person? My kindness is my greatest strength and also my greatest weakness. I'm not sure where I should draw a line, or if a line should be drawn at all.
Anonymous
Keep forgiving. Keep opening your heart. Forgiveness isn’t a one time act. It’s a conscious choice repeated over and over again. Forgiveness means never putting the person out of your heart. It doesn’t excuse what they did or give them permission to repeat it. It just means you choose to let it go and forgive for your own sake. That empowers you. It doesn’t make you weak. It may mean that you are vulnerable because you choose not to close your heart and shut others out of your life, but you just keep on loving.
blackwhitecupcake said:: what about all the psychological aspects that take part in the formation of “self”.Your answer made me realize that the way we experience reality depends on our past experiences, how we were brought up and the image we have of ourselves.
Lyndon:: Our past definitely shapes our experience of reality, but the idea of past is just another mental formation. It doesn't exist outside of the storehouse of our memory anymore than the future. So we don't have to be held hostage to it or bound by it. We can choose differently any time. We don't have to keep replaying the same old footage, reliving the same tired old dramas. We can see them for what they are, let go, and move on. There is only the present moment, as we perceive it.
Who am “I”?
My reply to a question I received, “what is self?”.
The question is the answer so to speak. “Who am I?” It’s one we keep asking deep into practice.
We typically identify self with form. We think of ourselves as solid things, but we are human “beings” not human things. Our bodies are alive and constantly in a state of change. At the atomic level there is constant energy that we perceive to be a solid state. Our bodies are a verb not a noun, and they are constantly “verbing” all the time.
Whenever consciousness touches form, sensations arise, whether physical or mental. Whenever there are sensations, there is always our perception of the sensation as positive, negative, or neutral. We create new formations based on our perception of the sensations, ie thoughts about the sensation or reactions to them. Our consciousness touches those formations and the whole cycle repeats itself, sometimes hundreds of times in a moment. It’s how we experience reality, and somewhere in that rapidly repeating cycle we perceive that there is a sense of self. That is known as the “five aggregates” of existence.
In meditation when we step back from mental formations (opinions and reactions), we can just watch our sensations without judging them. You can’t stop them, but you can watch them, come and go… arise and pass away. Now, who is watching? Who is the witness? Who am “I”? Have fun with that one.
Meditation: When, Where, and How?
Anonymous: Hey I’m kinda new to mediating and I really want to get serious about and would just to know if have any tips for such as posture, place, time and etc.. I would really appreciate. One love
Sure. You can practice anywhere, anytime, in any posture, but there are some conditions that may help you calm down and be more centered. Thich Nhat Hanh talks about stopping, calming, resting, and healing, which I find very helpful.
Just find a quiet place where you can be alone. You don’t need a special altar or cushion to practice. You may find it easier in the beginning to practice in a place with less distractions.
You may want to experiment with different times of day to see what works for you. Not everyone is a morning person, but there is usually more alertness and focus in the mornings. Others who are night owls may have no problem practicing late at night before bed without becoming too sleepy. You may be able to steel away for a few minutes during the day to a park or chapel somewhere. Do whatever works for you.
Consistency will be more helpful than longevity. You don’t have to set new world meditation records. Even 5 minutes everyday can be very helpful and give you a practice that doesn’t frustrate you and that you can build upon.
You can practice walking meditation, sitting, or even lying down, though lying down is likely to cause sleepiness if you’re practicing late at night. In seated meditation just find a comfortable cross-legged seated position. Don’t worry about full lotus position, which is difficult for most of us. You can sit half lotus, simple cross-legged, or whatever is comfortable for you.
It’s important to sit upright with your spine upright but not rigid. Even if you need to sit in a chair because of back problems, sit toward the front of the seat with your back off the chair but upright.
You can cup your hands in front of you or just lay them on your thighs. If you grab your knees, it may tend to lean you forward and put a strain on your back. If you keep your hands near your hips, you may notice you lean back. A good trick is when you sit down just to rock your torso around in all directions then settle in the center that feels right for you and let your hands fall naturally on your thighs.
You can sit with your eyes open or closed. It’s up to you. You may find it less distracting in the beginning to sit with eyes closed, unless it’s late at night and you feel sleepy. If you sit with eyes open, just let your gaze fall down and out in front of you a few feet, sort of out past the tip of the nose somewhere. Find a focal point and just rest your gaze there. Not straining, not spaced out. Just resting.
There are several posts on the meditation page of the blog that have instructions for different types of practice that you may find helpful.
Namaste
Hey! Love your blog (: I understand you're a Christian, have you got any tips for Christian teenagers trying to keep up their relationship with God and faith? I'm kinda struggling with this at the moment, especially as Christianity is becoming increasingly rare, noticeably in young people. Thanks!
Anonymous
Read the Bible for yourself. Don’t take anyone’s word for it. Focus on the words of Jesus. Love without limits. Judge no one. Forgive freely.
Hi :) I'm exploring Buddhism, meditation, yoga and all those stuff that come along, trying to get some peace into my life because I'm very veeery anxious person and I had panic attacks, but I can't hold on to think positive. So nothing changes, and I'm constantly in fear. I was wondering if you could tell me with what can i start, what's the first step to inner peace. I really appreciate the opinion :) Thank you in advance!
Anonymous
Meditation isn’t the power of positive thinking. It’s about being aware of all your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, including and especially the negative ones. Awareness is enough to transform our suffering into wisdom and compassion. I wrote several posts about beginning meditation on the meditation page of the blog. Loving kindness meditation is a good place to begin again :)
hi there! Im currently under a project which requires a few thoughts on Buddhism. I was wondering if you can answer my questions? One of them would be: what is Buddha to you? (A god, a teacher, philosopher, etc.) and why. The other would be: how can you explain Buddhism to someone of my age (which is 14 y/o)? I would really be happy if you could answer this for me :) I find your insights really cool and hope you carry on the awesomeness of them^^
Anonymous
Buddha was a human being, a teacher, and a realized being. He was not a God and never made any claims to be. To me he is an example of what is possible for all of us, to be awake and live our lives fearlessly.
To me Buddhism is simply about being yourself. It’s about engaging all of your life including the unpleasant stuff and using it all as fuel for transformation. It’s about ending the suffering in our lives and in the lives of others.
Good luck with the project! :)
Hello Lyndon, Hope you are doing good. I understand that you were (may still be) a devout christian. Used to be a preacher if i remember well. I was born and raised muslim. I believe in God and believe that we can attain him through many means. Anyway, my question is how were you able to empty your cup. How was your process of unlearning all that you have been taught since childhood? I have realized that I must empty my cup, just don't know how yet. Plea explain your precess please. thanks
Anonymous
I appreciate the question. I had to really think about it over the weekend. The term “devout Christian” can mean very different things to different people. I prefer just to say that I follow Christ. My faith practice leans toward Christian mysticism or contemplative Christianity, if I had to be more specific. Yes, I’m still a pastor. I was in the pulpit this morning trying to persuade people that we don’t have the luxury of only loving people who agree with us, look like us, or like us. To be a follower of the way of Christ means that we must love those who are different and even difficult to love.
I really like your phrase “empty your cup.” I think that’s the essential practice of most major world religions to help us empty us of ourselves and lead us to love others. I went through a deconversion from the evangelical Christianity I was raised in over a period of several years after college. (I blogged most of my journey through that process at my previous Wordpress blog wordslessspoken.com.)
I’ve been thinking about what really got me started down the path I’m on now. I would have to say it really began in college. Rather than a seminary which tends to train students in their denominational tradition, I attended a Christian liberal arts college with religion professors who challenged us to think for ourselves.
It was eye opening experience for me to learn how to read the Bible for what it actually said and not what I was told it said. My class in Old Testament prophets may have cracked the ice in my childhood religion. The prophets were men completely possessed by an experience of God that transcended and often contradicted their religion’s understanding and practice of who God was. They challenged hypocrisy, stood up for social justice, and spoke truth to power. It really moved me. Classes I took with another professor in New Testament and Situation Ethics really challenged me to think critically for myself and take a close look at the “red letter” Jesus of the gospels.
I had some very difficult experiences and challenges in the church during and after college. I was completely disallusioned and burnt out on the whole thing pretty early on. Once you see how the sausage gets made, it’s hard to keep eating it. That frustration and despair really made me rethink what the whole thing was all about. Several trips to the Philippines opened my eyes to immense poverty but also the enormous happiness of people living with far less. Another heartbreaking experience in church really pushed me out the door for a few years, during which time I began to rethink a lot of what I believed and why.
During the years away from the church I went headlong into a deep study of astronomy, physics, and quantum theory. I was just captivated by the whole thing, and it was almost a spiritual experience. I think a Deepak Chopra book from the public library was my first exposure to Eastern thought/spirituality. I read several more of his books and kept an open mind. I first heard about Wayne Dyer on public television and checked out a couple of his books. Once I heard him talk about Ram Dass, I checked him out and started reading everything I could get my hands on. His book “Journey Into Awakening” was my first book on meditation.
For a couple years it was just an intellectual study for me. It was only after debilitating health problems due to high levels of stress that I tried meditation. The doctors couldn’t help me, and it was a measure of last resort. It worked, within a few weeks. I needed to know more about the practice and didn’t know where else to go besides Buddhism. I was determined just to learn about meditation and not become a Buddhist, lol.
The amazing thing about the dharma is that it is experiential. Everything you learn can be tested and worked out on the cushion in meditation. I went into with a very skeptical and critical mindset, but continually experienced the reality of the dharma in my practice. It was like discovering an owner’s manual for my mind.
Books like Paul Knitter’s “Without Buddha I Could Not Be a Christian” and Thich Nhat Hanh’s “Living Buddha, Living Christ” were important crossover books for me that really made sense. I later found a really healthy progressive Christian church where I felt really comfortable to explore faith from a fresh perspective, and I’ve been walking in both traditions for the last few years now.
I think there is merit and value in every major tradition. I respect that Buddha said to be a lamp unto ourselves and encourage people to explore for themselves. The Dalai Lama said that everyone doesn’t need to be a Buddhist and that anyone can use the dharma to become better. I don’t think we need to run away from the religions of our youth. It may eventually happen, but it doesn’t have to for everyone. We can work from within our respective traditions to delve deeper into them and change them from the inside out. Any time that we believe our way is the one true way and everything else is wrong, we are on dangerous ground.
Sorry that’s so long. Hope it helps to answer some questions for you and hopefully raise some new ones.
~ Namaste
What is the best way to live? If possible, please sum up your answer in as few words as possible.
kadinsage
Simply
Let's say somebody had a lifelong friendship with somebody and they loved each other. Let's say one of the friends died before the other did. Based on your definition of love, which is free of attachment because we should only depend on ourselves to make ourselves happy, do you think the living friend would remorse the death of their loved one? Would you consider it love if the living friend did? Is it wrong to remorse when you lose something?
Anonymous
It is completely human and natural to feel a great deal of remorse for losing a loved one. Having feelings isn’t a weakness to rid ourselves of. The object is to cultivate loving awareness not to strip ourselves of all emotion and intimacy.
I think if you cultivate loving awareness, it does help us to grieve differently and hopefully in a more healthy way. We don’t intensify our grief by letting it cripple us and stop us from living or use it as an excuse to resort to destructive behavior.
Rather we can reflect meaningfully on our time with our loved one and allow gratitude to arise within us along side of our pain and loss. We can also realize that we will also grow old, become sick, and die. We can learn from the experience of our loved one how to face that time with dignity, patience, and kindness toward ourselves and others.
Is it right to pursue a friendship with somebody just to make them happy? There are people in my life who seem unhappy, and I want to make them happier. The thing is, I have trouble distinguishing between a sense of duty and genuinely caring about a stranger. Do you think it's right to ask for anything in return when you are kind to somebody? I love your blog by the way.
Anonymous
Why would you want to be friends with someone just to make them happy? What does that show you about your needs and where you are at this moment? We must love others, but we cannot fix them. We can barely fix ourselves. It is impossible to do something just to be kind and to expect something in return. They are mutually exclusive.
Is all of life really suffering?
The first noble truth is that life contains suffering. The important distinction is that Buddha did not say that all of life is suffering, but it does contain suffering. Some people experience more pain and heartache than others. It is tempting to say that everything is bad and there is nothing good, to make our problems larger than life and define ourselves by our experiences.
By realizing that life contains suffering but is not completely suffering, it provides a little space between the self, we think we are, and what happens to us and around us. Meaning that these are things we go through and experience, but they are not who we are. They may shape us and affect our life, but they do not define who we are in the stillness and silence.
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